Pilot project: That Gilmore Girl

Today Fix It Dear Henry takes a detour and muses on the path not taken. Here is the pilot script for That Gilmore Girl, a show about the childless, wondrous Lorelei Gilmore, PhD. Enjoy.

Scene 1

[Interior of radio studio. Lorelei and Sookie sit at a desk with microphones and headphones.]

Mike:
If you’re just joining us here on WVNY we’re here talking business with local entrepeneurs Dr Lorelei Gilmore and Sookie St James. They are of course the women behind Brooklyn eatery Eternal Flambé and what New York Magazine called the food trend of the decade: the ‘Sugar Pig’ maple bacon donut.

Lorelei:
Well it’s certainly the food trend of the people who will only live to see the decade, Mike.

Mike:
[Laughs awkwardly]

Sookie:
[Interjecting] And the people who enjoy good food and good treats in moderation. [Pause] And of course people who just like deep-fried sugar bacon.

Lorelei:
Those are our main demographics, yes.

Mike:
Now, Lorelei you attended the London School of Economics and Yale. What is it that brought you into the food world?

Lorelei:
Well, Sookie is an old friend of mine and when she came to me with this idea it just made good business sense. Sookie is a phenomenal chef and I believed in her product so much I decided to invest.

Mike:
I find it interesting that you Sookie are married with children and you Lorelei are not. Do you sometimes envy each other’s lives?

Lorelei & Sookie together:

No.

Mike:
I mean, Lorelei do you sometimes wonder if your personal success is coming at too great a personal cost?

Lorelei:
It’s still a ‘no’ from me on that one, Mike, no matter how many times you insinuate the word “barren”.

Mike:
Oooooooh-key we’re just about outta time here. You’ve been listening to BizChat on WVNY on the Ideas Network.

Scene 2

[Exterior shot, Lorelei and Sookie walking down street holding coffee]

Sookie:
Every fucking time.

Lorelei:
Just once I’d like to get through an interview about donuts without someone getting out a speculum and going all Richard and Emily on me. Go to business school, Lorelei, get a PhD, Lorelei, make your fortune, Lorelei. Wait, no too late, you forgot you had a uterus!

Sookie:
One day we’ll win you know. We’ll get there.

Lorelei:
Oh yeah, we’re smashing the patriarchy one Sugar Pig at a time.

Sookie:
I’ve got to go pick up Davey. Try not to dwell on it, ok?

[Lorelei and Sookie kiss each other on the cheek]

Scene 3

[Interior of Lorelei’s loft apartment. Lorelei leans against a kitchen counter covered in magazines. She checks her voicemail.]

[Voicemail audio] Christopher:
Hi Lor, just checking in. Again. I’m going to be down in the city this weekend if you want to grab a bite. Call me. Please.

[Lorelei tosses the phone on to the counter and pours herself a glass of wine. She sits down and starts typing on a Macbook]

Scene 4

[Next day. Lorelei sits at her desk working through a large book. Buzzer rings.]

Lorelei:
Who is it?

Christopher:
Lor!

[Lorelei rolls her eyes and presses the button]

[Christopher comes in carrying a large bag from Trader Joe’s]

Christopher:
I know you’re on a publishing deadline and you don’t ever have food in the house so…

Lorelei:
Thanks, I’m starved! Sookie forgot to feed me.

Christopher:
I read New York Magazine. Knew I couldn’t be the only one addicted to those Sugar Pigs.

Lorelei:
Well you, hipsters and every cardiac surgeon in New York seem to appreciate us.

[Long pause]

Christopher:
I missed you, Lor.

[Lorelei rushes in and kisses him hard]

Lorelei:
There has definitely been some missing going on.

Scene 5

[Lorelei and Christopher lie naked in bed, licking donut filling from their fingers]

Christopher:
I can see why these things caught on. It might be more about the service than Sookie’s recipe though.

Lorelei:
Oh yes, they said it couldn’t be done, they said not even Brooklynites would wait in line long enough for donuts delivered by a naked 31 year old woman but, oh sir, how I proved them wrong.

Christopher:
You still look 16.

Lorelei:
Just without the morning sickness.

[Christopher squirms]

Lorelei:
Oh that’s right, I was meant to stop joking about that.

Christopher:
It’s not the kind of thing you joke about.

Lorelei:
It is for me. It happened to me.

Christopher:
It happened to me too.

[Lorelei scoffs]

Christopher:
It’s just… It’s just I’ve been thinking so much about us lately. What we had. What we nearly had. What we could have again.

[Lorelei sits up, covering her breasts]

Lorelei:
Chris, you know that’s not what I want. I didn’t want it then and I don’t want it now. I’m an aunt to Sookie’s kids and that’s enough. I know you want more but you have to start looking for it with somebody else.

[Phone rings. Lorelei answers.]

Lorelei:
Paulo! … I’m sorry it’s not the best time. I have… work. Um… can you come later tonight?

[Christopher jumps out of bed and puts on pants]

Lorelei:
What the fuck, Chris? Why are you being like this?

[Christopher storms out of the bedroom. At that moment Emily lets herself in carrying shopping bags from Barney’s.]

Christopher:
This is what you’ve always done. You’ve just done your own thing without thinking about how it affects anyone else. You just run around the world with God knows who without even telling me.

Lorelei:
Chris, what is this even about? Oh, hi Mom.

[Emily looks Lorelei (still naked) up and down before staring at Christopher]

Christopher:
[staring coldly] This is about you and what you did to us 15 years ago.

[Lorelei gasps and steps backwards. Emily steps forward.]

Emily:
My daughter had an abortion. She had an abortion when she was 15 because she needed one. And the next time you and those redneck-in-Chanel parents of yours try to shame her for it you will have to come through me. Is that understood? Now I suggest you put a shirt on and head back to Boston on the first available train.

[Christopher puts his head down and scurries from the room. Emily walks over to the kitchen and inspects the bag from Trader Joe’s.]

Emily:
Well, at least he knows to cater.